1. Realistic thinking
Because adults with perfectionism are often very critical of themselves, one of the most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements. It is a good idea to practice these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, enough repetition will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit, and help crowd out the negative self-talk. Some examples of positive realistic statements
a. “Nobody is perfect!”
b. “All I can do is my best!”
c.“Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like everyone else – human. Everyone makes mistakes!”
d. “It’s okay not to be pleasant all the time. Everyone has a bad day sometime.”
e. “It’s okay if some people don’t like me. No one is liked by everyone!”
2. Perspective taking
Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation. For example, you may believe that you are lazy because you are only able to exercise 1 hour instead of 2 hours every day. Learning to view situations as other people might see them can help you to change some of
these unhelpful beliefs.
Going back to the “I’m lazy” example, you can challenge this thought by asking yourself the following questions:
Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation. For example, you may believe that you are lazy because you are only able to exercise 1 hour instead of 2 hours every day. Learning to view situations as other people might see them can help you to change some of
these unhelpful beliefs.
Going back to the “I’m lazy” example, you can challenge this thought by asking yourself the following questions:
a. How might someone else (e.g., a close friend) view this situation? Most people probably would not think they are lazy if they do not exercise 2 hours everyday. Kelly, my best friend, only has time to work out for 1 hour, 2 to 3 times a week, and feels pretty good about it.
b. Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able to work out 2 hours every day is understandable given my busy schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
c. What might I tell a close friend who was having similar thoughts? It is okay to only workout for 1 hour per day or even less. Working out regularly, say 2 to 3 times a week, is good enough!
3. Looking at the big picture
Adults with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying about ”the little things” (e.g., what font to use in an email). One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following
questions:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
Adults with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying about ”the little things” (e.g., what font to use in an email). One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following
questions:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
4. Compromising
This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking. Compromising involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards.
This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking. Compromising involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards.
For example, if you believe that making a mistake during a presentation means that you are stupid. You might try asking yourself, “What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?” From there, you can try to come up with some lower and more reasonable standards that you are willing to accept. Because it is quite anxiety provoking when you first start trying to lower your standards, you can do
so gradually, in steps. For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example might involve spending 3 hours instead of 5 preparing for a presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out of 5 presentations, or being okay with having fewer than 5 people praise your performance. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower them some more. For example the next step might involve spending 1 hour preparing for the presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out 2 presentations, or being okay with not knowing what others think of your performance.
so gradually, in steps. For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example might involve spending 3 hours instead of 5 preparing for a presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out of 5 presentations, or being okay with having fewer than 5 people praise your performance. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower them some more. For example the next step might involve spending 1 hour preparing for the presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out 2 presentations, or being okay with not knowing what others think of your performance.
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